Decent places for gay, bi and trans women are already pretty thin on the ground, so you can forgive them if they’re not delighted to see you. Most women in gay bars will be just like half of the ones you chat up in your own regular haunts, in that they too wish you wouldn’t talk to them and that you weren't there. Get your gay mate to tell them to piss off it wouldn’t sound too great coming from you. If they act like a dickhead when you turn them down, don’t be too hurt, or surprised – they’re still MEN, after all. Seriously, though, most gay men have got better things to do than waste time and alcohol on converting you. Just joking your penis doesn't have magical powers. They find you so incredibly fascinating, as soon as they catch sight of you – and you’ll be instantly recognisable as a straight guy because you'll have a haircut everyone else had two years ago – they’ll swarm around you like Chanel-drenched bees. Gay, bi and trans men come in all shapes and sizes, but the one thing that unites them is you. Or it may well look just like your local. Or perhaps you’ll step into an opulent big-budget reinterpretation of a jewellery box, based on rejected designs for Coleen Rooney’s master bedroom. You may get a UV-lit, overly mirrored, joyless jizz dungeon with all the charm of a rusting fire escape. This means the quality of the decor can vary wildly, but is almost always horrid.
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The decorįor many years, most gay bar owners relied on the fact that for LGBT people, the most important thing of all is to be around like-minded people, whatever the surroundings. Pretty much everyone in there will look the same as anyone you might see down your local. Quick reminder before we go in, we’re not exhibits.